Chez Crazy

Day 22

It's a scary thing to lay myself bare like this. Exposing the crap in my mind and heart is embarrassing, and I often wince as I hit the big “post” button. Some days I just don’t want to tell you about my sick relationship with food or my ridiculous laziness.

But I’ve found in the past few weeks that I need to do this. It’s part of what’s making this life change work. Opening up to you about my mess is making me face it for what it is. I can’t run from it or ignore it. It’s here in these posts for all the world to see, so if I don’t deal with it, all of you will know it.

There’s something else that’s been rather surprising. I didn’t realize how much the support would mean to me. The responses I get encourage me to keep making the better choices, even when I don’t want to.  They keep me posting when what I have to say is mortifying and I want to crawl under a rock.

To illuminate a dark place is to take a big step toward freedom.

Here’s to the light.

(And thanks.)

Day 21

I'm in between. Behind me is bondage, ahead of me is health.

I'm moving closer to freedom, but slavery still calls my name.

I hear it when I pull into Sonic to get a diet limeade. I smell it when I pass the bakery at the grocery store. I see it in TV commercials for pizza, fried chicken and cookie dough. I taste it when I attend a potluck meal full of yummy fattening homemade foods. I feel it when I wake up late and sore and lacking energy.

And I must confess, even though I know I was in bondage, I sometimes miss it. I miss the days when I could eat with abandon, not giving a thought to the price I was paying. I find myself pining for lazy days when exercise was something other people did - people on TV and Twitter - but not me. Captivity was comfortable in many ways.

The promised land is out there somewhere, across the desert of change. It's a place where health is a habit and not a struggle. But it feels so far away. It would be easy to go back, to believe that being healthy is too much work or that I'm not worth the effort.

I won't go back. I'm taking another step away from the prison that held me captive. Another step toward freedom. It's going to be wonderful. I just have to get through this desert.

This reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Sara Groves. It's called "Painting Pictures of Egypt". Take a listen, then ask yourself: "What is my Egypt? Am I moving out?"

This is a picture of my tattoo. I got it a few months ago, after years of deliberating about whether I'd get one and what I'd want to have on my body forever. (After all, some of them look TERRIBLE on old wrinkly skin, right?)

This is Hebrew for the word "redeem". Redeem can be defined as "to offset the bad effect or to make worthwhile." I wanted this to be a constant reminder that God can and will redeem anything in our lives if we let Him. This is sort of a running theme for me and I thought a tattoo on my wrist would be a great way to keep me remembering it. He can take the crap in my life and make it beautiful. I've seen it time and time again.

Sometimes I get sad about my life up to this point. I'm sad that I've spent 39 years being trapped by my own weight, by my choices and their consequences. I often feel like I've wasted so much time being fat. If I'd been healthier earlier, maybe I wouldn't have struggled with infertility. Maybe I wouldn't have suffered those miscarriages. Maybe insecurity wouldn't have been such a big obstacle.

Then I get angry that I've let this be my reality and that I haven't heeded the warnings from family members and doctors. I can't believe I have gone so far down this road. I'd never have imagined 20 years ago that I'd be the size I am now, but yet here I am. How infuriating!

That is when I have to remember that God can even redeem all that mess. He can use it for His glory if I choose to hand it to Him. He can even turn it around and cause it to have value in my life and to others. It's hard to imagine what he could do with it all, but I'd rather let Him take it on. Then I can sit back and watch His creative powers at work.

I wonder what this redeemed mess will look like.

Day 20

I've heard it said on multiple occasions that it takes about 21 days to create a habit. I suppose that's true, though I've hardly ever made it past that point on anything so I really couldn't say from personal experience.

I was talking with my friend and coworker Tony about the changes I'm making. He mentioned that he discovered on his journey that there needs to be a "new normal". I thought about this and what that looks like in my own life.

My old normal consisted of a lot of fast food or manufactured food, late night runs to the store for chocolate, and heading to the kitchen whenever the mood struck. I sat on my big booty for hours at a time as days or even weeks passed between exercise sessions. I ignored the scales, bought the next size up when things got tight, and all the while I lamented my fate as a fat person.

Now I'm forging a new normal. It sucks. It's hard. It's going to take SO LONG. I'm having to look at every aspect of my life and reprogram the way I think and feel.

I'm monitoring my calories, eating more "real foods", and saying NO when I want to eat without actually being hungry. The kitchen is stocked with wiser snacking options for when those chocolate cravings hit. (Yeah, I'm not sure they'll ever really go away). I'm exercising 5-6 days a week, forcing myself to find time to make it happen. Instead of buying the next size up (and to be honest, there aren't many sizes left), today I bought new exercise shoes. Eventually I'll need smaller clothes, too. Things are getting a bit baggy. 

And I'm not going to let myself bemoan my situation anymore. That's a big thing. I'm owning it and dealing with it.

If you've ever shifted your version of "normal," how did you do it? What worked long-term?

Day 19

God likes to send me little nuggets of wisdom to encourage me on this journey.

Today's message at my church was about temptation. It wasn't the standard "avoid it, fight it, don't give in" message. It was more about looking at how it works and the kinds of things that tempt us.

What struck me most was the concept that we are tempted to meet legitimate needs with illegitimate means.

Let's "unpack that," as they frequently say in my work environment.

Food is a legitimate need. Unlike most addictions (alcohol, drugs, tobacco, etc), food is necessary for life. Of course, to overeat is NOT necessary for life.

I don't overeat because I'm trying to meet the legitimate need for food.  It comes from my effort to meet other needs, such as companionship, encouragement, joy, or contentment.

I have felt guilty for even having those needs. I thought they made me weak and I didn't want to admit them to myself or to anyone else. The guilt I felt for being "needy" intensified the desire to use food (an illegitimate means) to meet them. Satisfying those longings through food kept me from confronting them.

Here's the thing - those are all real and valid needs. Humans were designed to seek those things. I'm seeing that I am free to acknowledge those needs instead of hiding from them. And as I acknowledge them, I'm trying to be real with God about them and ask Him to meet them. They were put in me to draw me to Him.

I'm glad He's a big God and can handle my authenticity, because my prayer life is about to jump to a whole new realm of gut-level honesty.

Day 18

Let me be honest. (As if I haven't been already.)

Being fat is horrible. I hate it. I hate what it says about me. I feel trapped inside my own body. I can't stand squeezing my body into a chair with arm rests and then acting like I'm comfortable; I can barely concentrate on anything besides my hips hanging out the sides.

It's frustrating to wear enormous clothes that take up too much room in my suitcase when I pack. I avoid shopping with skinny friends because nothing in the store fits me and I wind up browsing purses. I get tons of fat girl clothing catalogs, so YAY, even the mailman knows I'm big.

I panic when people suggest group activities I can't do because of my weight. (You want to go water skiing? Oh....um....I can't, I'm doing laundry that day.) It hurts to see Twitter posts from people hoping they don't sit next to a fat person on a plane. (I'm so sorry you got stuck next to me - I'll suck it in as much as I can, ok?)

Did I say that out loud?

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm being a bit too honest. You see, I'm blogging through this journey because I can so easily hide from myself. I can deceive myself through excuses and comparisons and half-truths. I've blamed it on genetics, on finances, on my schedule, and even on God.

But if I share my story out here in these posts, if I expose my mess for all the world to see, I have to face it myself. I have to take responsibility - own my choices and their consequences. I can't hide from them or ignore them. It's not like I can hide the fat so I may as well face what got me this way.

So yes, I hate being fat. I've finally reached the point where I hate it enough to change it. Please pardon the mess - it may take a while to clean up.

Day 17

I get a little anxious when I drive a route I’ve never driven before, especially when it’s in a new place.  It’s not so bad when I start out because I’m still close to home, but the further I move away from the familiar, the more I need confirmation that I’m going in the right direction. 

I have a very long journey ahead of me, and I’m going into completely foreign territory. I’m now feeling the angst of the unknown begin to creep in, so I’m desperately looking for something to show that I’m going in the right direction.

I just started seeing a few signposts:

• I took 4 flights this week and did not need a seatbelt extender on ANY of them. Usually I have to use one at least twice on this kind of trip.
•  My non-elastic waist pants are not staying up.
•  Last night, cheap take-out pizza sounded gross and unappealing.
• I worked out on a trip. At a hotel gym. With workout clothes I packed for that specific purpose. (Note: This has NEVER happened.)

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve noticed some detours trying to confuse me.

•  Free cookies offered at the hotel where I stayed.
•  Free cookies being passed out at the restaurant where I ate lunch.
•  Free cookies offered on the plane.

(What the heck is it about the free cookies?! Do I suddenly look like a blue furry puppet monster on a kid’s show??)

So far, I can tell that I’m on course. Many miles ahead, but I’m off to a good start.

Now could someone please post some warning signs about those cookies?

Day 16

My friend and coworker Amber recently asked me if I was grieving the loss of my old eating habits. It took me a few minutes to process this one, because I hadn't seen it from that perspective. As I considered Amber's question and my own journey, I realized that she was probably on to something.

There are five stages of grief, according to the Kubler-Ross model. When applied to my situation, here's what I think they look like:

Denial - "I don't need to worry about this right now. One day I'll get healthy but it's not something I'm dealing with today. I feel fine, my blood pressure is ok, so maybe it's not that big a problem." Usually these thoughts would run through my head while I down a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I'm pretty sure I'm past this stage.

Anger - "Why am I having to deal with this? Why couldn't I have been born with an amazing metabolism? It's not fair that this is my lot in life! Why did God let me be fat?!"  I was here just a few days ago, when Amber asked me the question about grieving. I still have moments of this, usually when I'm around naturally thin people who complain about needing to lose 5 pounds.

Bargaining - "Maybe if I eat earlier in the day, I can eat whatever I want. So long as I'm staying within my calorie limit, I should be able to eat junk! Couldn't I just exercise 2 or 3 times a week? It's better than nothing, right?" Ok, ya got me. I'm in this place more often than not. My external choices may be good, but inside I want to rebel and make it work on MY terms.

Depression - "This sucks. (Pardon the vernacular.) At my size, it's going to take forever to lose this weight. I'm so big that no one will even notice until I've lost 40 pounds anyway. And I'll never get to eat anything yummy again. I miss brownies." I can feel this starting to pull at the corners of my my heart. I hope this part doesn't last long.

Acceptance - "Ok, so I'm fat. My choices got me here. I can no longer make the same choices and expect different results. It'll take a while but I'm doing this." While I've already said all that verbally, my heart has not ever truly WANTED to say it. But just give me a little time. I think I'm getting there.

Day 15

Some days I feel like I have good reason to go easy on myself, to not push so hard or give myself a little slack.

Today I woke up at 4:30 AM to catch an early flight. I didn't exercise this morning because of the rush to get out the door after leaving instructions for my husband to play Mr. Mom for the next 3 days.

It was go-go-go as soon as I landed. While I tried to pick reasonably healthy foods, part of me was thinking, "Aw, come on, you're out of town. It's hard to eat well on the road!" Besides, it's not easy to track some restaurant foods on the LoseIt app. It's kind of a guessing game, but at least I tried.

The day was busy, then it was time for dinner. More guessing, and by this point I was thinking, "What the heck, at least I didn't eat anything deep fried and dipped in chocolate; I'll be ok."

Then off for a walk around the downtown district. "Oh good," I thought. At least I'll be able to put SOMETHING down for exercise. Not my usual workout but a light stroll is better than nothing, right?

Yeah, that was when we stopped at the frozen yogurt shop. So many flavors..so many choices!

"At least it's not real ice cream," I told myself as I combined 3 different flavors. I got a little more than I planned (oops), and then came the toppings.

"Oh good, there's fruit," my mind rationalized. "I'll get some raspberries and strawberries. At least I didn't pick Twix and Oreos - that would be bad."

On the way to the hotel I thought about my choices and how I was feeling. I was tired - it had been a long day. But I knew what I needed. I had to stop the slippery slope of "at least" and do something good for myself. I couldn't keep giving excuses to go easy. So I checked in, put on my sneakers and headed to the hotel gym.

Where I burned at least 230 calories.

TAKE THAT, slippery slope!

Day 14

Most lifestyle changes can be described as simple. Short sentences explain the necessary shift in behavior.

Eat healthy foods. Eat less food. Move more.

See? Simple. But definitely not easy. Today is a perfect example.

This afternoon I was stressed, completely overwhelmed by some challenges I'm facing. Typically food would be my fix in such times. I'd grab the ice cream and go to it. Or maybe I'd throw down a handful of cookies or a bag of chips and just keep going.

The simple thing to say in a moment like this is, "Just don't eat those things."

But do you know how HARD it is to follow that advice in moments like that? Everything in me wanted to head to the kitchen and stuff my face with whatever junk I could find. It took all my strength, along with prayer and the support of some folks on Twitter, to keep me from eating my way through my stress.

So yes, it may be an easy principle to follow. But some days, those choices are some of the hardest to make.

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PROGRESS UPDATE:

Because this blog is a big part of my accountability structure on this journey, I want to keep you informed on how I'm doing. Every 2 weeks or so I'm going to post progress updates. So here goes:

In the past 2 weeks I only went over my calorie budget one day. I've done some form of exercise every single day. I weighed in this morning and lost SIX POUNDS in 14 days.