The month of December was an insane, non-stop whirlwind of activity. Moving from a rental to air own home, traveling 1800 miles round-trip (by car) for a funeral, not to mention being on a church staff during Christmas.

But the truth is, my life always moves fast. December was just faster. And I often have a hard time allowing myself to get the rest I need, which often leads to my body demanding it by way of illness. It takes longer to recover when that happens.

Not this time. I am cutting it off at the pass. I am choosing to exchange the tendency to wear myself out for a rhythm of rest. I will be of no use to anyone if I do not start taking care of myself. That goes for healthy eating and exercise (which I will address later), but it also applies to rest.

Do you push yourself to the point of illness? What warning signs do you see when you're getting too close to that point?

I was getting ready for the day when I felt it starting. I should have expected it, really. With today being the first work day of the new year - with so many possibilities and expectations, it was bound to make an appearance.

Doubt.

It was quiet at first, like the soft buzzing of a fly in a far corner of the room.

"Hm, that situation may be difficult..."  

"I wonder how I'll handle this conversation..."  

Then it grew louder, as if the fly was buzzing inside my ear. 

"You don't have what it takes to lead this team."

"You're out of good and fresh ideas."

"You are going to fail!"

I shook my head, as if trying to shake the buzzing from my head. I stood there, looking at my reflection in the mirror, trying to find some mental flyswatter to kill this pest. And then I realized it was time for my first exchange.

I hereby exchange my doubt for faith.

Not faith in myself, necessarily, but faith that God brought me here and has created me for good work he has gotten ready for me to do. He called me to this work, and I will have exchange my doubt for his faithfulness. 

I know that God has me in the palm of his hand, and he cares more about this work than I do. He is trustworthy, and I will rely on him.

"The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he will do it." 1 Thess. 4:24 MSG

It’s time for a new year. A new start, new outlook, new focus.

Last year my word of focus was “surrender” and it impacted my life in more ways than I expected. 

Approaching 2012, I thought I knew what my new word was going to be. As long as a month ago I had mapped out a blog post all about it.

Then, about a week ago, a different word began pulling at the edges of my mind. At first I dismissed it because it didn’t make sense to me. But as I gave myself room to process it, I realized it was actually the perfect word for 2012.

Exchange.

When you buy something and it doesn’t work right or fit well, you exchange it. If you have currency that isn’t accepted where you are, you exchange it. If you and a friend both have gifts to share, you exchange them with one another.

Bottom line - to exchange something is to let it go in order to receive something else, usually something better.

This year I will carefully consider my thoughts, my words, my actions, my habits, my addictions. If they are not working for me, if they are detrimental rather than beneficial, it's time to exchange them.

Because I know that usually, God has something better to offer. I just need to let go of what I’m grasping so tightly.

You can join in the OneWord365 community! What word will be your focus this year?

A year ago, as we were on the cusp of the start of 2011, I choose to participate in something called One Word. The idea was to select a word that would be the focus of the coming year. 

I chose the word "surrender" and I thought I knew what to expect. But now, looking back on 2011, I realize that I had no clue what I was in for. 

The biggest thing I learned was that to surrender can be a good thing, or a bad thing.

Let me tell you a little about my year to help you know what I mean.

In April our cabin in Alabama was damaged during a tornado outbreak. This eventually led us to move to Auburn, AL. It was scary, uncertain and difficult, but in the end, it was clear that it was what God wanted for us. Surrendering to His will meant trusting Him with the outcome even though we could barely see the step in front of us. And from where we were to where we are, I can tell you, this was a very good move.

Since June, there were several changes to the ministry team on which I serve. As a person who feels connection to others very deeply, I walked through these transitions with a variety of emotions. I had to let go of the way things had been, surrendering to the changes God was bringing to the team. I had to choose to see Him as sovereign and good. And He has shown Himself to be faithful and trustworthy in this.

All year I tried to regain focus on becoming healthy. I lost much of the momentum I had last year, and while I had sporadic times of improvement in eating and exercise, I end the year having gained back almost all the weight I lost. Instead of surrendering this area of my life to God and letting Him have control, I surrendered to my own food addiction and lack of discipline. This is especially true of the last 3 months, when I essentially called it quits. And I'm angry and disgusted with myself. I surrendered to the wrong thing - ME.

So my big take-away? Surrendering to God's way of doing things must be intentional and continuous. Otherwise it becomes far too easy to give up and give in to my own way, which never seems to end well. 

I'm ready for a new start. I'm ready for a new word. And I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

Day 71

She lay on the floor, exhausted and weakened from the beating she'd endured. Too weary to raise her head, she groaned under the weight of own her bruised, battered, broken soul.

She'd let it go on too long, staying in front of the mirror, staring at her image. And she hated it.

She'd let the voices grow from whispers to shouts to outright screams. They accused her, mocked her, berated her. They called her so many names. She'd heard them before, of course, more times than she could count. But tonight they'd come in waves so fast that she could hardly catch her breath.

Quitter! Can't you ever finish anything you start? Look at the trail of unfinished efforts you've left in your wake!

Phony! You talk a good game, but if people knew who you really are, no one would listen to a thing you say.

Glutton! Why can't you just stop eating? Do you have no concept of self-control?

Fatty! You just keep getting bigger. Aren't you going to do anything about that? Aren't you sick of buying bigger clothes?

Slacker! All you're good at is making excuses. What have you ever done that had any value?

Reject! No one really likes you - at best you are simply tolerated. No one chooses to spend time with you.

Stupid! It doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll never be smart enough to keep up with the people around you. Give it up; it's not working.

Failure! Look at all the mistakes you've made, all the things you should have done differently. You can't get anything right.

Gradually the echoes of accusation subsided. She sat up slowly, her brow furrowed and sighed at a painful realization.

There weren't many voices. There was just one. 

And it was her own.

She was her own victim. She'd plastered herself with such derogatory labels. She'd accepted them, identified herself by them, owned them as though they were part of her DNA. And it had ruined her.

She sensed another voice, a voice within herself but not her own. It grew so strong that she began to shake as the words revererated through her.

Beloved. Accepted. Beautiful. Precious. Valuable. Forgiven. 

She knew who it was. She'd heard His voice before, and had often ignored it. It seemed impossible to believe, but His voice was insistent. And it was filled not with judgment but with love. And that love gently tugged at the labels she'd placed on herself.

As she felt herself soak in the words, she recognized the truth. It was time to see herself differently, to view herself through His eyes. She stood and looked in the mirror, and though the image was the same, it felt so different. She wiped her eyes and took a breath.

Her labels were a lie. It was time for them to go.

Day 57

I have this fear.

Ok, it's not so much a fear as it is a belief. A deep-seated belief that is so much a part of me that I barely recognize the possibility of it being a lie.

It's the belief that the moment someone meets me, his or her first thought is, "Wow, she's really fat." And the thought is followed up by a feeling of pity.

I treat my weight as my name tag or my ID card. I have a hard time grasping the concept that I am known not for my size, but for my personality, my skills and talents, and my contributions.

This kind of long-held mindset is a tough one to break. Some days I get beyond it and almost forget it. Other days, it's all I can think about.

But I'm realizing, the longer I work on this, that my increasing ability to see MYSELF as more than fat will help me continue this journey toward health.

So when I meet you, maybe even today, I will smile warmly, banishing these beliefs from my mind and heart. I will be who I really am.

And that's so much more than my size.

Day 55

Let me share with you something that is hitting me where I live lately. I want these words to be true of me every day.

(This is Core of My Addiction by the band Fireflight.)

Do you have a song that is hitting you lately? I'd love it if you'd share it!

Day 54

I'm learning to be on my guard against things that may trip me up during this Sugar Free Month. Here's a few things I'm watching out for:

• Commercials. Seriously, last night in the space of 30 minutes I saw at least 5 ads for sugary treats. It was enough to make me want to drive to WalMart in my PJs in search of a Snickers.
• Wait staff. These well-intentioned people who serve us at restaurants are kind enough to offer sweet yumminess at the end of a meal. Sometimes they even bring samples by to show us what we could choose. There's a simple answer for this (NO!) but the answer doesn't always come easily.
• My daughter. She doesn't mean it. She isn't trying to tempt me when I pick her up from school and she asks if we can get cupcakes. It's something we do from time to time to bond after a long day of school and work. But not this month.
• The check-out counter. I have to just pretend I don't even see the stacks of sweets. Or imagine that they're poison. 

If you're trying to give up something, how do you stay away from temptation?

Day 53

Change is not easy. It usually requires doing hard things.

They're not all equally hard. Saying no to a cookie is certainly not as hard as running a 5K.

(By the way, I did one on Thursday. I finished 2 minutes faster than the one I did in July, even though it was hot, hilly and windy. Yay.)

I decided to do something that will be at least a 7 out of 10 on the easy-to-hard scale. This isn't because the choices will be hard. It's because it will be a series of hundreds of choices over the next month.

Actually, not hundreds of different choices, Just one choice, repeated a thousand times.

31 days without sugar. Yes, I know about the Halloween candy. Yep, I'm aware of all the pumpkiny treats that come out this time of year. 

No, I haven't lost my mind. I was inspired by my friend Cindy Beall, who hasn't had sugar in months and months. I can't fathom that, at least not now. I'm going to do it for just ONE month. After that, we'll see how it goes.

I'm pairing this with reading the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. The book is exactly what this journey is all about. Here's a quote from what I read today. "If we want to conquer our cravings, we'll have to redirect them to God."

(Good, huh? And that's just from the introduction!) 

Stay tuned, friends. This is going to be an interesting month.

Day 39

I'm angry.

With whom? About what?

With myself, about my half-hearted effort over the past few weeks. 

I have zero excuse. I could list all sorts of "reasons" but they all just point to my double-mindedness, my lack of determination, my diminished discipline, and my overwhelming selfishness.

This is not the life I want. And I'm really the only one who can do anything about changing it.

I know what to do and I know how to do it. 

And I know the word I must to say to myself is "No!"

NO to those few extra bites.

NO to the late-night snack.

NO to the "little treat" that "won't make a difference". 

NO to the snooze alarm that tempts me to stay in bed when I should be working out.

NO to my body that begs me to stop long before I have pushed it hard enough.

And most importantly, NO to the lie that I can never, will never change.

Because I will. I can. I am.