Chez Crazy

I try to play this little trick on myself. If I want something in my life - something over which I have little to no control - I try to pretend I don't really want it. I think somewhere down deep I have adopted this belief that desire is my enemy.

The truth, of course, is that I'm scared to death to face my desire because it's so risky. It's painful to accept that I  might not get what I want.

Ever.

No matter how hard I pray or wish for it. No matter how much I try to manipulate and control the tiny fraction of a piece that I can control. (And let's be real, when does that work anyway?)

The Bible is chock full of verses that talk about giving your desires over to God, about desiring nothing above God, about God granting the desires of our heart. Really, it all boils down to trusting God with it.

OK, here's the brass tax, bare bones authenticity of the moment.

I want another child.

After 4 years of trying, after enduring the pain of two pregnancy losses, I still want a child, and I'm tired of brushing it off as not a big deal. Because it is a big deal, and it's something I'm wrestling with more as I have entered what doctors so enchantingly call "advanced maternal age".

I want to have another baby.

I'm scared to death that I really said that out loud for the whole world to hear. Because a voice in that deep, dark, twisted place in me mutters, "Well, now you KNOW you'll never have one, because you actually admitted it."

To that cynical voice I am choosing to say, "SHUT IT!"

Because I know that God knows what He's doing. I know that He loves me more than I could ever truly understand. I hold tight to the knowledge that all He wants for me is the best - the 100% best. His path for us could very well include another child born into this family. It could be addition by adoption. It could be that we are exactly as we are meant to be already.

And while I'm waiting to see the next steps on this winding path, I'm owning my desires. Because while I recognize the risk of being disappointed, I want to trust God more than fear the pain.

When my daughter Jadyn was younger, she had a habit of not realizing when she needed to let go of something. She'd be trying to pick something up or be working on something and she'd forget that her hands were already full. It was though the item in her hands had become part of her - at least in her mind. The thing she was clutching was the thing keeping her from getting what she really wanted.

I'm guilty of the same thing. I hold on to things too long - so long that they feel like they're just extensions of me.

Insecurity.

Insult.

Rejection.

Failure.

These aren't me. No matter how familiar they've become, no matter how much I've adjusted to them, they are NOT part of who I am. I carry them by choice, and I can choose to let go. Once I can let this truth sink in, I'm able to take on other things.

Confidence.

Resilience.

Strength.

Joy.

The most important part is where I go to make this exchange. God takes the crap, the mess, the junk that I hold. He pull it out, shows it to me for what it is, and lets me trade it in.

The struggle for me is to remember that none of it is really part of me, and I can let it go. 

What do you need to exchange?